做飯好心累，不如點外賣。下面這些“不會做飯星人”的心聲，說的就是你本人。

For some people, the prospect of placing a raw protein or vegetable in a pan over an open flame for an extended period of time is so daunting that it literally makes them flop sweat. These people subsist on cereal and frozen dinners, they know their local food delivery workers by name, and they may or may not use their oven for shoe storage.

有些人就是單單把蛋白質原料或者蔬菜放到平底鍋上，開火烹飪一會兒就能嚇得他們汗流浹背。這種人啊，一般就靠谷物麥片和速凍晚餐過活，他們認識當地的外賣小哥，知道人家的名字，他們甚至還可能把烤箱用來存放鞋子。

Here are some jokes for all the folks out there who would rather eat sandwiches into infinity than attempt to boil, bake, roast or braise a single food item. Because, in the paraphrased words of Maria Bamford, “People always talk about how easy cooking is … but it is not as easy as not cooking.”

下面描述的這些囧樣兒講的就是那些寧愿吃三明治吃到地老天荒也不愿意煮東西、烘焙食物、烤或者燉任何一種食材的人。因為，Maria Bamford就說過：“人們總說做菜很簡單……但是總歸沒有不做菜簡單。”

? You know that your future partner needs to be able to cook or else your children will starve.

你清楚地知道你未來的伴侶得會燒菜，不然你倆的小孩就得餓“死”。

? Grocery shopping is a continuous cycle of picking something up, wondering if you can cook it, putting it back down, and then leaving with only frozen dumplings.

出門買菜就是個不變的循環，拿起某樣食材——思考一下自己會不會做——放回去——走的時候拿著速凍餃子。

? You have a soft spot in your heart for fast-food places. You know they're not healthy, and you should probably avoid them. But when it's late at night, you have no food in your fridge and you are getting hangry, it's a better option than attempting to cook something and failing miserably. Fast food is there for you when your cooking skills aren't.

你在心里為快餐留了一處柔軟之地。你知道吃快餐不健康，應該盡量別吃。但是，大半夜冰箱里沒吃的，你碰巧又“餓怒癥”的時候，比起試著燒個什么菜最后做崩，吃快餐還是好得多。畢竟當你的廚藝不在線的時候，快餐在。

? Owning cookbooks but not using them.

買了一堆食譜菜譜，但從來不用。

? Accidentally lighting something on fire.

不小心把什么東西給點著了。

? People who can cook tell you that it's soooo easy and judge you hardcore for not being able to do it.

做飯好吃的人老是跟你說做菜多么多么簡單，然后說你不會做咋地咋地。

? Billion dollar idea：A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!

致富點子：當你咆哮“我在做飯！”之后就不響了的煙霧報警器。

? Don't call the firefighter, I'm cooking.

別報警，我只是在煮意面。

Notes

protein: n 蛋白質

daunting: adj 令人膽怯的

cereal: n 谷物

subsist: v （尤指靠有限的食物或錢）維持生活；度日

braise: v 燉

hangry: adj 餓怒的 (hungry + angry)

recipe: n 食譜

? 本文為中國日報雙語新聞（微信ID：Chinadaily_Mobile）原創，未經授權不得轉載。